Acts of Kindness

Recently, there have been two incidents in our home that really blessed my heart. Watching your child choose to be kind to others is one of the sweetest moments in a mother's life.

The first incident is when M decided to make raisin bread for everyone. I have been pushing M to have some autonomy in the kitchen, encouraging her to get some of her own meals. We moved the cereal to a lower cupboard for the girls to reach on their own, and I taught M how to make toast in the toaster and how to butter her own bread. Then one evening, I made the girls "breakfast for dinner," so M was helping with the toast. I intended for her to make her own, but she decided to make a piece of toast for each member of the family. She even got out the plates and served it to each person. I was so blessed by her act of kindness that I just about cried.

Then a week ago, I had everyone clammering at once. While changing K's diaper, I heard R calling for me to come wipe her (she refuses to do it herself), and then M started saying, "Mommy, will you read this book to me?" Um, no, I am kinda busy right now. Just then my husband TJ walked in, "M, Mommy's busy right now. You can be her helper and get that a bag for that dirty diaper." So M jumped up and started helping. But that's not the part that was so cool. The very next day, I had the exact same situation. Once again, R called for me to come wipe her while I was in the middle of chaning K's diaper and putting her down for a nap. This time, without being told, M jumped up and went running for a bag. She cleaned up the dirty diaper before I had a chance to realize what she was doing. "Wow, how on earth did I get such a helper?" I thought.

M answered my quiet question by repeating the words of praise I give whenever they help out. She said, "I helped you out, Mommy. I put the dirty diaper in the trash. I am very considerate."

I have a few parenting rules for myself about kindness and consideration:
(1) Kindness cannot be forced. I don't require them to do it.
(2) I will teach kindness by demonstrating kindness towards my children.
(3) I will praise and encourage any efforts of kindness that I see.

When kindness is forced, it's not really kindness. It does not come from a thougtful and considerate nature. Rather, it is an attempt to stay out of trouble, which is a purely selfish response.

Children who are mistreated are more likely to mistreat others. Would not the opposite be true? Children who are treated with kindness are more likely to be kind to others. For example, sometimes the kids forget to say "please," and I have noticed that when I get all indignant and refuse to fulfill the request until they say "please," they get the message that I am not going to fulfill the request. They then believe that they are not important. They think that they don't matter. If I say, "I'd love to get you some more milk, but it would make me feel better if you say 'please,'" they get a big smile on their faces and say the most pleasant "please." The message they get is two fold: (1) mommy does care about me and my needs and (2) mommy loves it when I say "please."

There is a specific formula for giving praise that motivates a child to keep doing what you praised them for. I learned about this in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & How to Listen So Kids Will Talk, a book about communicating with children. This praise formula includes the following 3 phrases:

(1) a statement of what you see (i.e. "You cleaned off your plate from the table.")
(2) a statement of how you feel (i.e. "I really appreciate the help.")
(3) a statement of summary that gives a name to the behavior (i.e. "That is very considerate.")

So here are a few examples of praise:

The child struggles to draw their letters and does a reasonably good or bad job at it: "You drew two sticks with a line inbetween, and you almost got the lines to touch. I can tell that is most definitely an A. That is careful attention to detail."

The child draws a picture of a house with some flowers: "I see a house with bright red door, and some beautiful flowers growing outside. The bright colors make me feel happy. This is very creative."

The child helps in the kitchen: "You stirred the batter without spilling, and you helped put all the dirty dishes in the sink. I really appreciate the help. That's what I call being a big helper."

The child picks out their own clothes and dresses themselves: "You got your own clothes out of the dresser and put them on by yourself. And you even put your pajamas away by yourself. That is very responsible. I like the colors you picked out."

There are two things that make this kind of praise so much more powerful than the words "good job" or "you're so smart." One reason is that the person receiving the praise really takes the praise to heart. The second reason is that the person feels motivated to keep going. I watch my kids' faces when I praise them like this. There is something I see that speaks volumes on what this does to their hearts. They have been touched by such words, and they then feel confident to continue the praised behavior.

Also, many of the situations listed above are ones where the child attempted something but may not have done so perfectly. You can praise the effort without pointing out the faults. In fact, the faults can be praised right along with the successes, giving the child the idea that a good try is as important as success.

I am a writer and am currently working on a fiction story. I will bring home a section for my husband to read, and he'll say, "Wow, that's good." And the praise leaves me wondering what is so good about it. Are my characters real? Is the plot interesting? Is it well written? Truth is I need to be the one who says, "Yeah, it is good." What I need from others is a description of what they see and how they feel about my book.

Early Language Development: Ages 0 to 4

K recently had her 2 year check up, and the nurses asked their usual questions to gauge her development. One question was "How many words are in her vocabulary? 10? 20?"

This seemed strange to my husband and me. Is 10 or 20 words really normal for a two year old? We had some early talkers who started speaking in sentences at the age of 1 year, but all the same, 10 or 20 words seems really low to me for a 2 year old. So TJ and I started writing down words that we know she says, and within half an hour, we had a list of 125. Since then, I have thought of more words that she says, and I know I could double or triple that list.

What makes our kids different? Personally, I don't believe anything makes our kids different. I think that if people pay attention to the "baby babble" they will realize that their babies are trying to communicate. For example, when M was a baby, I read the book Baby Minds, which greatly influenced how I talked to the girls.

There were several skills I learned that were helpful:

1) Talk with them about everything you do in the course of a day
2) Listen to them and apply good listening skills
3) Pyramid language development
4) Teach them baby signs
5) Read to them

Talk to them
I would talk to them about everything I did. If I was changing their clothes, it was a great opportunity to talk about the names of clothing and parts of the body (i.e. "We pull your shirt over your head. Now we put your arms in the sleeves.") If I was changing their diapers, I would talk about dirty diapers and making them all clean. If I was giving them baths, I would talk about scrubbing their toes and their tummies.

A lot of times, I would make songs up for all these things as well. Though the song could change from week to week. I think M's first attempts to communicate with me were actually in song. I was singing to her, and she just started to sing back. A few weeks later, I noticed that her baby babble had a lot of "k" sounds when I changed her diaper. "I wonder why," I thought as I began to talk to her. Suddenly, I heard my own words and noticed that I said "clean" a lot as I'd change the diaper. Dare I say she was only about 3 months old?

She might not know WHAT I was saying, but even so young, she was trying to imitate language and associating certain sounds with certain situations. Why? Simply because I talked to her.

At 1 year old, K would say "I am stinky" and "Diaper Change." Not just single words, but stringing words together and making sentences.


Listen to them
Language is about communication. Children need to know that language is about expressing themselves, and they learn that by being heard. Just recently R started showing a great deal more self-confidence in her communication, and I have been wowed by her four-year-old mind as she begins to tell me stories and such that she has created in her own mind.

She loves to play with Lego's, and she built what she said was a pirate boat. These were the pirates who loved to dance. She sang me a whole theme song that she had made up for them. Then she began to tell me a little bit about how they lived (they eat cookies after they ate real food) and what they did (they danced and were nice to each other and loved each other) and why their boat had to have walls (to keep out the mice). And at the end, she announced, "They are so cute."

Now let me tell you something, R doesn't get to talk much. When her language skills were ready to take off, she had an older sister who talked over her, and then she had a baby sister who seemed to oust her from the center of her mommy's lap. She needs that special moment each day when there are no sisters to interrupt her, and in that moment, she gains some very important communication and pre-reading and self-confidence skills. And the most important thing I can do is just listen.

Some helpful hints:
1) Get on their level and make eye contact. This helps them know you are listening and that they are important.
2) Rephrase in your own words what you have heard ("So these pirates love to dance on their ship."). This helps them to know that they are really being heard.
3) Ask appropriate questions ("So then what do the pirates like to do?" or "What kind of cookies do they like most?"). This helps you to stay involved without taking over, and it helps them stretch their imaginations just a little further.

Pyramid
This is an idea on how to introduce new ideas and skills. Before they are ready, you supply the answer. When they seem to grow into the new skill, you help them do it. Then when they seem to master it, you step back and let them do it for themselves.

For example, I would introduce the early puzzles (wooden block puzzles) aroun 12 to 18 months. At that age, I'd dump it out and do the puzzle slowly, explaining what I was doing as I did it. Between 18 and 24 months, I would let them put in the pieces, saying "try this spot" and then I'd turn the wooden board to match the piece up as they pushed the piece in. After that, I'd let them do it by themselves without my help, watching from a distance, giving suggestions if they got frustrated.

Here is an example conversation for pyramiding language skills for a 0 to 9 month baby:
"Do you have a dirty diaper?" pause
"Yeah, we need to change that diaper." pause
"Let's make you all clean." pause
"Yeah, that is much better. All clean." pause
"Do you feel better now?" pause
"Yeah, that's better."

All those pauses are to give them an opportunity to answer. Of course, they are not ready to answer, so after the pause, you offer their answer for them. And don't be surprised when one day they say "yeah" during that pause.

R was about 9 months old when someone at church said, "Aren't you the cutest baby?" and she said "Yeah." Later that day, someone asked her if she was ornery, and she said "Yeah." She knew how to recognize the voice influction for a question and knew what the answer to a question was.

So, that is the early pyramid language skills: supplying the answers for them. But as they get older, you give them more tools to express themselves without your answers. For example, giving them choices or teaching them baby signs. And finally, you apply your listening skills to their conversations.

Baby Signs
The best time to introduce baby signs is between 10 and 18 months. They may be trying to communicate, but we cannot understand them yet. So this is where you can start supplying them with the opportunity to express themselves without words. Some of my favorite ones were for things that they would want, like milk, water, food, and to say "more" of something, but the very first sign was for "all done" so that they would not scream at me when I tried to keep feeding them and they were full. These words are good for stopping temper tantrums before they happen.

From there, I taught them signs for animals. K right now loves to give a running dialog of everything she sees in her little world. And she no longer uses baby signs to express herself as she is 2 now, but even younger children like to tell you about the world around them. If they are excited about the cat they just saw, they will great frustrated if they can't tell you about it.

You can make up your own signs, or you can learn a little of American Sign Language. Either way, baby signs are very useful at this stage of communication. I have heard that studies show that sign language helps them transitions to words even faster and helps them learn what words are for at a faster rate as well.

Read to them
Reading to them is important, but for developing language skills, it is good to pyramid reading much like many other things. At an early age, they want to look at pictures. Reading the text on the page does not interest them. I know this simply because I tried with all three of them. But honestly, there is nothing wrong with that.

If you point to the pictures and talk about what you see rather than just reading the words on the page, they will learn so many more words that way. A short 2 minute book can take 15 to 20 minutes in our house. Why? Because we talk about what's going on. So for K, we point to things on the page and talk about the pictures. She has recently learned a few new words that way, like turtle, crab, and sad. K really just started getting into books, and we took her to the library to pick out some just for her. She picked out 10 and wants each one read to every night.

For one baby board book with pictures of baby faces, we talked about each baby. "That baby is so happy." pause "He has a spoon. He put that spoon in his mouth." pause "Do you see his smile?" pause As K is now 2, those pauses are filled with little comments from her. So enjoyable to hear.

As a mother, this always touches my heart, to hear them give back to me the joy that I have put into them.