Acts of Kindness

Recently, there have been two incidents in our home that really blessed my heart. Watching your child choose to be kind to others is one of the sweetest moments in a mother's life.

The first incident is when M decided to make raisin bread for everyone. I have been pushing M to have some autonomy in the kitchen, encouraging her to get some of her own meals. We moved the cereal to a lower cupboard for the girls to reach on their own, and I taught M how to make toast in the toaster and how to butter her own bread. Then one evening, I made the girls "breakfast for dinner," so M was helping with the toast. I intended for her to make her own, but she decided to make a piece of toast for each member of the family. She even got out the plates and served it to each person. I was so blessed by her act of kindness that I just about cried.

Then a week ago, I had everyone clammering at once. While changing K's diaper, I heard R calling for me to come wipe her (she refuses to do it herself), and then M started saying, "Mommy, will you read this book to me?" Um, no, I am kinda busy right now. Just then my husband TJ walked in, "M, Mommy's busy right now. You can be her helper and get that a bag for that dirty diaper." So M jumped up and started helping. But that's not the part that was so cool. The very next day, I had the exact same situation. Once again, R called for me to come wipe her while I was in the middle of chaning K's diaper and putting her down for a nap. This time, without being told, M jumped up and went running for a bag. She cleaned up the dirty diaper before I had a chance to realize what she was doing. "Wow, how on earth did I get such a helper?" I thought.

M answered my quiet question by repeating the words of praise I give whenever they help out. She said, "I helped you out, Mommy. I put the dirty diaper in the trash. I am very considerate."

I have a few parenting rules for myself about kindness and consideration:
(1) Kindness cannot be forced. I don't require them to do it.
(2) I will teach kindness by demonstrating kindness towards my children.
(3) I will praise and encourage any efforts of kindness that I see.

When kindness is forced, it's not really kindness. It does not come from a thougtful and considerate nature. Rather, it is an attempt to stay out of trouble, which is a purely selfish response.

Children who are mistreated are more likely to mistreat others. Would not the opposite be true? Children who are treated with kindness are more likely to be kind to others. For example, sometimes the kids forget to say "please," and I have noticed that when I get all indignant and refuse to fulfill the request until they say "please," they get the message that I am not going to fulfill the request. They then believe that they are not important. They think that they don't matter. If I say, "I'd love to get you some more milk, but it would make me feel better if you say 'please,'" they get a big smile on their faces and say the most pleasant "please." The message they get is two fold: (1) mommy does care about me and my needs and (2) mommy loves it when I say "please."

There is a specific formula for giving praise that motivates a child to keep doing what you praised them for. I learned about this in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & How to Listen So Kids Will Talk, a book about communicating with children. This praise formula includes the following 3 phrases:

(1) a statement of what you see (i.e. "You cleaned off your plate from the table.")
(2) a statement of how you feel (i.e. "I really appreciate the help.")
(3) a statement of summary that gives a name to the behavior (i.e. "That is very considerate.")

So here are a few examples of praise:

The child struggles to draw their letters and does a reasonably good or bad job at it: "You drew two sticks with a line inbetween, and you almost got the lines to touch. I can tell that is most definitely an A. That is careful attention to detail."

The child draws a picture of a house with some flowers: "I see a house with bright red door, and some beautiful flowers growing outside. The bright colors make me feel happy. This is very creative."

The child helps in the kitchen: "You stirred the batter without spilling, and you helped put all the dirty dishes in the sink. I really appreciate the help. That's what I call being a big helper."

The child picks out their own clothes and dresses themselves: "You got your own clothes out of the dresser and put them on by yourself. And you even put your pajamas away by yourself. That is very responsible. I like the colors you picked out."

There are two things that make this kind of praise so much more powerful than the words "good job" or "you're so smart." One reason is that the person receiving the praise really takes the praise to heart. The second reason is that the person feels motivated to keep going. I watch my kids' faces when I praise them like this. There is something I see that speaks volumes on what this does to their hearts. They have been touched by such words, and they then feel confident to continue the praised behavior.

Also, many of the situations listed above are ones where the child attempted something but may not have done so perfectly. You can praise the effort without pointing out the faults. In fact, the faults can be praised right along with the successes, giving the child the idea that a good try is as important as success.

I am a writer and am currently working on a fiction story. I will bring home a section for my husband to read, and he'll say, "Wow, that's good." And the praise leaves me wondering what is so good about it. Are my characters real? Is the plot interesting? Is it well written? Truth is I need to be the one who says, "Yeah, it is good." What I need from others is a description of what they see and how they feel about my book.