My Daughter Finally Stopped Screaming

I have been listening to my daughter, screaming in her room for the last 15 minutes. She's upset because she didn't get her way--I put her to bed before she finished her project. I always give a 5 minute warning before I interrupt playtime, and bedtime is at 10 o'clock, not 8. So this completely surprised her.

The reason is this: consequences. I told them to pick up the books. They didn't listen. And so the privilege of staying up late was taken away from them. It was beautiful.

I loved the book Listen to Your Kids So They Will Talk and Talk So Your Kids Will Listen. In this book, discipline was mostly based on consequences and giving limited choices, but I had a hard time applying this principle. Not because I didn't agree with it, but rather because I wasn't quick on my feet to find the appropriate consequence for the situation or to offer the right choices. And then when I did think of it, it seemed like the opportunity had passed.

Then I read Positive Discipline. They also talked about consequences and limited choices, and I understood the concept better. And the choices thing--well, I was finally able to implement that quite effectively. But not the consequences part.

Earlier this week, I picked up Kevin Leman's Have a New Kid by Friday. He has a five day battle plan, based on the idea that we are not slaves to our kids wishes. We are not here to see to their happiness and success. Instead, we are here to instill in them strong character traits, right behaviors, and good attitudes. 

He talks about responding rather than reacting. Many times, when I say, "Time for dinner--or bed or school time or cleaning up," they'll say "I'm busy right now." I'm a very laid back mom, and most times they get away with that. Other times, I get very angry and fly off the handle. Yelling about how angry I am. And then I'm the mommy, throwing a temper tantrum. Which just makes me feel like a terrible mom. That's what he means by reacting.

Responding is more thought out. He says give a command and walk away, as if you have every confidence that they will carry through. If they don't, there are no warnings, no lectures, no yelling, no spankings. Nothing. Until they come looking for something from you. Some special privilege that they always get. Milk and cookies after school. A toy when you go shopping. A special trip or outing on the weekend. The car keys so they can go to the mall. They'll throw a fit, thinking that you'll cave. And when you don't. When you just walk away from their fit. When you don't react at all. They'll wonder what just happened.

And they'll learn that they are not in control.

They'll learn mutual respect. It reminds me of when my kids were babies. They would wake up crying and want--not just to be comforted--but to have mommy at their beck and call. Mommy should feed them and comfort them and be available 24/7, right? Mommy doesn't sleep! And the time came when I had to put my foot down and not jump out of bed to answer them. They cried it out. And I felt miserable the whole time.

But the most amazing thing happened. Not only did they learn that they could put themselves back to sleep and that they were still safe without Mommy within reach, they learned that they don't control Mommy with their screams. Suddenly, they were humbler, sweeter, kinder, and more respectful, and not just at bedtime, but throughout the whole day.

That's what Kevin Leman's book Have a New Kid by Friday is about. So far so good. They stopped screaming, and tomorrow morning, they will think twice before ignoring me. However, I am sure the battle has just started. They will test me resolve.

too little butter

That's how I feel lately. Like Bilbo Baggins said, Too little butter spread over toast. We have been sick and I am still recovering. Tired as I am, simple tasks seem overwhelming, like doing dishes, putting kids to bed, school time... It doesn't help that Kaylee woke us up three times last night and two times the night before.

It also doesn't help that I have been so focused on writing. This week, it was a race. Knowing that I would be starting a job next week, I wanted to be done. But then I want to be finished. It feels like it is long past time, and the act of polishing is becoming quite tedious. I am so close to finishing this book I can almost taste it. And there's a self-published book contest in May. If I can finish in February and publish in March, maybe, just maybe I could enter this contest in time.

I wonder how other mothers do it all because I sure know that I fall down and struggle and mess up so much. The house is a mess and I often feel 10 steps behind. There is only so much I can do in a day, and I wish I had two of me. One to clean and move the children in the right direction (to pick up their clothes and toys, to sit down and eat, to head off to bed), and one to do the schooling and the writing.

Kindergarten and preschool teachers have teacher aids. And I want one too. Someone to keep the focus and keep things moving and help me get things done. They would get the kids' breakfast while I put dinner in the crockpot, and then they'd do the morning dishes while I do schooltime. They would entertain Kaylee while I work with Makani and Rowena, and then I would sit down to write while they put the kids down for naps. They'd make sure everything was straightened up and put away and maybe do the laundry.

When nap time's over, the house would be wonderful, and there would be plenty of time to have dinner and do the dishes, and I would then have plenty of energy to play with the kids. After bedtime, I could write some more and still do schooling, parenting, and have a clean house. Oh yes, life would be great if I could duplicate myself for just the hours between 9 and 3.

Or be rich enough to hire a maid.

Reasons to Ignore Parenting Advice

Everywhere you go, people spout their opinions.  In-laws and parents alike, neighbors, coworkers, people at church:  they all have their opinions and freely tell you what you should and should not be doing.

Listening to wisdom is a good thing, but sometimes these people aren't offering wise advice.  Sometimes they are just bragging about how much better they are, building themselves up at your expense.  Sometimes they've never had children.  Sometimes you watch them say some pretty nasty things to their own kids.  Sometimes their advice just won't work for your family's needs.

And when you are a home schooling family, everybody feels the need to put in their two cents about your child's education.  This often leads to carrying burdens that we would do much better without.  Here are a few reasons to ignore unwanted and often foolish advice.

1.  There is more than one way to solve a problem or to do something.  You need to find the resources and the methods that work for you.

2.  Every child is different.  What works for one does not always work with another.  I have three children, and I have to deal with each child differently.  How much more so when you go from one family to another!

3.  God put your children in your hands.  It is your responsibility before the Lord to raise your children with wisdom and kindness and love and nurturing admonition.  That job does not belong to anyone else.

4.  Other people are not omnipotent.  They do not have all the answers.

5.  You can often get conflicting advice.  One person tells you to make your child cry it out, but another says that is cruel.  If you listen to everyone, you'll just tie yourself into knots.

6.  And if you allow yourself to be sidetracked from your purpose by every wave of advice, then you will just be spinning in circles.  You will lose your purpose.

I have had people tell me that my kids can't learn from me because I'll be too soft.  Or I'll give them all the answers, and then they will only learn to depend on me.  Or only a teacher can appropriately discipline a child.  Or they won't get socialized.  If I focus on these things (and there have been times that I have), I'll find myself trying to prove them wrong or be overly hard with the discipline or extra tough on their schoolwork.

And then home schooling has lost its joy for all of us.

Here I am saying to ignore the advice of others when I am writing a parenting / home schooling blog to give advice.  But hey, even I can get on my high horse and spout nonsense every now and then.  Even I can become all high and mighty and not really meet your needs as a parent.

So when someone does give you advice, look at it carefully.  Ask yourself:  Is this wisdom?  Would this work for us?  Is there a smidgeon of truth in this criticism?  If so, what do I need to do about it?  If not, be sure to move on and ignore it.

Finally, do your own research.  Decide for yourself what is the best parenting approach, and then test all advice against your personal plan.  Study up on wise parenting written by people you trust.  I always enjoyed books by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish or by Jane Nelson Ed.D.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk is a practical guide to communicating with children.  They tell you how to express yourself clearly, how to listen effectively, how to motivate, and how to discipline.  But they don't just tell you what to do.  They tell you why.

Liberated Parents, Liberated Children:  Your Guide to a Happier Family is Adele Faber's and Elaine Mazlish's personal story as they learned to apply their parenting method to their children.  Between the two of them, they had 6 children, and they relate honestly their own triumphs and failures.  It made me feel less guilty for my own failures, and more humble about my triumphs.

Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson Ed.D. in some ways builds on some of the concepts I learned in Faber's and Mazlish's books.  In other ways, she has her own perspective on discipline.  I gotta say, discipline became a lot more effective when I applied her wisdom to my methods.

Finding Creativity

That's me in this picture.  Being silly.  Finding creativity. Finding myself.

I was browsing amazon.com for books on writing, which led me to books on writing about motherhood, which led me to a book called The Creative Family. The picture intrigued me. It made me feel homey. It made me yearn for home and family and children. And creativity.

So I used the Amazon's Look Inside feature to read a few pages. Chapter one was a very simple concept. "Teach your children to be creative by being creative yourself." Hmm, I already know that. But oh, it felt so good to hear it. I'm not sure what it was that made her words so much more powerful, but I felt a yearning waken in me.

Oh, I am creative. I love to draw and write and scrapbook. But somewhere along the line it stopped being an exploratory pursuit and turned into something else to do. It stopped being play and started being a job. Something more to get done. Something more to accomplish. Another short story. Another article. Another home school assignment.

I wanted to be a kid again and just enjoy art for the sake of art. Not to improve myself or make some money or be a better mother or make my house more beautiful. But instead, just to have fun.

With this thought in mind, I decided to be more playful during bedtime routine last night. Little R brought me some "soup." She had a bowl, a toy cat, and spatula. "I'm mixing," she said proudly to me.

"Are you making cat soup?" I said, making a yucky face.

"Eat some, Mommy!"

"Oh no, yucky, yucky, yucky!" I shake my head and make faces. She laughs.

She insists. I must try the cat soup.

I pretend to take a tiny, tiny sip. And then proceed to make the most horrible faces. She laughs again. But now the laughter is deeper, as though it came from the belly.

For the next five minutes, I proceed to exaggerate the most extradorinary expressions of disgust. And let me tell you, it felt so good to be kid for just five minutes. It was freeing. When it was done, I tucked the girls into bed, which they jumped into bed more readily than usual. They hugged me more tightly. And there was a deeply satisfied spark of happiness and contentment in their eyes that hadn't been there in a long time.

I imagine my eyes looked about the same.

Something profoundly spiritual had occurred in that playful moment. As though I had found myself once again. As though the years of stress and the heavy burdens of adulthood had fallen away.

5 secrets for busy mothers

A bit of wisdom that I have learned in the past and need to learn once again:

1. Get up while the house is still quiet. Get your breakfast. Get your shower. Have a moment to drink your coffee and plan your day. You are worth the extra effort to take care of yourself before you start to serve others.

If you let them wake you, you will be 10 steps behind the rest of the day. And you will be too tired and grumpy to tackle the day's challenges.

2. Keep a journal. Write your thoughts and contemplate yourself. Take the time to recognize your emotional state. Emotions are often warning messages, helping you know when to rest and when something is not healthy. Take the time to ask yourself who you really are. Knowing yourself and finding yourself are integral for good parenting. Then take time to pray and read a Bible verse.

3. Find time to exercise. When the children are grown and you face yourself again, you will wish that you had taken care of yourself. Just as it is not your wish for your children to be unhealthy, it is not God's wish for you either. He cherishes you just as you cherish your children. Parental duties and jobs should never get in the way of this.

4. Eat lunch. And have a snack. At the end of the day, I find that I snap more. Why? I don't feel hungry, but once I've eaten dinner my mood improves. We are finite people. Only God is infinite, and we are dependent on water, food, and God to nourish our lives. So don't be a martyr and eat something.

5. Talk quiet walks frequently. Not for the purpose of exercise. Not for some goal. Just for the chance to meander and to be quiet. To have solitude. Parents are goal-oriented. Everything we do has a purpose, whether it is to cook dinner, buy groceries, pay the bills, or get some exercise. We are always striving.

However, children are experience-oriented. They do stuff for the simple joy of being. Growing up has made us lose that eternal quality of just being.

Taking a Midday Break: a parenting necessity

My husband TJ has been the stay-at-home dad throughout the early years of all three of our children. When the second little girl was born, our oldest stopped napping. At 1 year and 9 months, she was alert and happy and did not seem to need the extra sleep anymore.

Poor TJ. He would run all day, taking care of a newborn and a toddler. He'd miss lunch, and by the end of the day, he was tired, grumpy, and unbearable.

Parents are on duty 24/7, and those that are home all day never get a break. There are no coffee breaks. There is no lunch break. There is no time to shut your eyes and take a deep breath. Because the moment you do, there are children clambering for something. "More milk, Daddy!" "I want to wear these clothes now." "I gotta go potty!"

Once you add home schooling to your parenting duties, forget having any down time. Your down time is spent with lesson plans and cleaning up art supplies.

TJ and I had a big fight one night when M was 2 years old and R was just 6 months. He hadn't eaten all day, and we went grocery shopping directly after I got off of work. Was it 8 or 9 o'clock when we got home? I can't remember, and he was hungry and had a migraine. I ruined his pizza, and he flew off the handle.

"All right, that's it," I said. "They must all go down for naps at the same time from now on. M does not have to sleep. Just let her play quietly in her room for an hour and a half."

To this day, we still have that policy. Sure, M is 6 and doesn't need the extra sleep, and R is 4 and rarely sleeps during the day. K is 2 and still needs to sleep most days. But we still need the break every day. We still need a moment to collect our selves, plan the rest of the day, and eat lunch.

The kids benefit too. The tendency in our day and age is to over schedule our days and to plan too many special events for our children. As home schooling parents, we sometimes feel the need to make up for whatever they might be missing from school or to prove to in-laws that the children really are excelling at everything. But specialists have discovered that children need downtime and unorganized play to develop. Quiet time is as good for them as it is for us.

To Add to the Lessons on Money Matters

Yesterday we went to the zoo on a small budget, and we got a lot of requests from the children. "I want cotton candy." "I want popcorn." "I want to ride on the train." "I want my face painted." I walked away remembering a lesson learned that I wished I had applied to our zoo trip. So here I am sharing my helpful hint with you, still wishing I had remembered my own advice.

So when going to special events (i.e. the zoo, the circus, an amusement park), give the children their own spending money. They have to balance the money between all of their wants. Then it is up to them to decide which is their most desirable purchase: cotton candy or getting their face painted? You no longer have to face all of their demands because they hold their opportunities in their own hands, and you no longer have to dealing with the whining when you say no.

I have done this before at the toy store. They each had $5 to spend, and we went through the store picking out things they liked. If they found something else other than what they originally picked, I would say, "You do not have enough money for both. Which one do you want more?" This was very successful for several reasons:

1. The choice is in their hands. They have to balance their money for themselves and decide what they really, really want.
2. With limited choices set before them, it is no longer up to us to be the bad guy. We no longer have to be the ones to say "no" yet again for another demand. They have to say "no" to themselves.
3. This teaches them the value of money. Money doesn't buy everything.
4. It also teaches them the wisdom of careful money use. Money should be used for the more important things rather than for everything.
5. When they whine about not getting what they want, you can put the ball back into their court. If they spend their money on popcorn and then discover an ice cream stand around the corner, you can say, "I am sure next time you will save your money until you know what you really want."

Discipline Model: Giving Choices and Clear Consequences

There are only three ways to deal with a child's misbehavior. The passive approach allows the behavior to continue without even a verbal correction. I confess that in the past, this was my downfall. I had no clue how to balance mercy with discipline, and I felt guilty to make my children cry.

The aggressive approach seeks to make the child pay through deprivation, spankings, a battle of wills, or a timeout. In the end, punishment is about who wins the Biggest Temper Tantrum Contest. If the parent wins, the battle is delayed for another day; if the child wins, then the whole household is in trouble.

But discipline isn't a battle of wills or a way of making the child pay just because the parent isn't happy. No, discipline is a valuable lesson that parent has carefully planned for the child to learn. Discipline is only successful when the child learns a lesson that they can carry with them into adulthood. This is the assertive approach.

There are many tools in the assertive discipline approach. One method of discipline is to give a limited set of options. This allows the child some control over their lives and yet clearly sets the boundaries as well as the consequences.

"Either pick up your toys or I will confiscate them. Your choice." This example offers the child two options and outlines clear consequences. Sure, one option is not very nice to them, but they can very easily choose to pick up their toys. If they choose to test your resolve, follow through without lectures or anger or temper tantrums. Without a word.

When their toys are gone, they will think twice of testing you again. When they beg, whine, or scream, you can say, "I am sure that next time you will pick up your toys." Then walk away or you will be tempted to lecture, and honestly leaving them alone with their own thoughts is more than enough.

Here are some other examples:

• Either sit still or we will sit in the car while everyone else finishes their food. (It might be frustrating to sit in the car yourself, but worth the lesson the child learns. Your next visit to a restaurant will most likely be more pleasant.)
• Either eat what I've fixed for you or get yourself a sandwich. I am not making anything else. (A sandwich for dinner doesn't really hurt them, and forcing a picky eater to eat what they don't like usually just makes them pickier. Put some control in their hands, and they will enjoy eating much more.)
• Either put your shoes on or I will march you to the car without your shoes. You can put them on in the car.
• Use your words or go scream in your room. You can come out when you can talk to me in a reasonable tone of voice. (This is not a timeout. This is an emotional break. We all need them some times.)
• Stop hitting your sister or go play by yourself.

I always like to add the words "your choice" to the end of this because it is a reminder to the child that it really is in their hands. When you follow through with firm actions, they will know that it was their choice that brought this.

Applying this type of discipline has brought a lot of changes in our household. There were some frustrating moments as my children tested my resolve, but each time, they became a little more humble, a little kinder, and a little easier to deal with. Most importantly, they learned a few lessons on appropriate behavior.

Sibling Rivalry

When I brought K home from the hospital, M took to her right away . . . just as she had done when R was born. However, R, my tender-hearted girl, wanted nothing to do with her new baby sister, and she wanted nothing to do with me either whenever I held K. It broke my heart.

K is now 2 years old, and R is 4. It has taken me two years to figure out how to build a bond between those two girls. I learned a few tricks from Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too, and I corrected some of my own behaviors that fueled the division. Now R & K play very well together, and K finally has a friend.

1. Pay attention to your own words. What could you be doing to cause the problem?

I noticed is that R frequently gets in "trouble" when K is around. R's disenchantment with the new baby turned to dislike everytime we scolded her for almost hurting the baby. I remember one day the two girls were playing hide and seek in the closet. K was 1, and R was 3. R kept sliding the closet doors open to peek out and me, and I would cringe as she almost hit K with the door several times. "R, don't do that," I think I said. "You almost hit your sister."

R stopped playing and sat down on my lap, "I don't want K here. Make her go away." Oops, this reaction was my fault. She had played happily with K up until that point. Sure, I want R to learn to be considerate of others and to be aware of the needs of others, but on the other hand, maybe instead I should teach K that she should watch out for swinging doors. K cannot be a baby forever. She needs to have the skills to take care of herself too.

I replaced scolding R with praise. "You are playing with your sister. I really like that," I would say. "That is being very friendly." R's face would light up with a big smile, and slowly she began to play more and more with K.

2. Give security by defining boundaries.

I noticed that R would worry about her personal possessions. K often destroyed her sisters' MegaBlock creations, and R did not feel like she could trust K to know what belongs to whom. R did not know whether K would give back her toys, and so R did not want to share. Hey, if I had a special gardening tool, I would not lend it out to someone who I thought would break it or not return it!

So we solved this problem by giving each girl her own room. We were lucky that we had 4 bedrooms. M & R shared a room, and K (being on a different sleep schedule) had her own room. The fourth bedroom was a play room that all the girls shared. I really liked this arrangement because (1) they had no toys in their rooms to make a mess & to keep them awake at night and (2) I liked the whole idea of having a big play room to segregate the mess from the rest of the house.

Although K still went to bed earlier, keeping her separate from her sisters began to seem like a problem. Throughout the day, she was ostracized from their playtime, and we felt like it was time to unite the three. However, R panicked to have K in their room, getting into their stuff, so we decided to separate M & R so that each girl has her own sanctuary.

Sure, I lost my wonderful play room, but R now gets more sleep and is less cranky. M gets to read late into the night, and K is no longer the third wheel. Furthermore, R now keeps her toys behind a shut door, stopping many arguments before they even happen.

3. Recreate the situation with positive words.

The clincher was when R realized that K liked her. K uses a shortened version of M's name to mean "girl," and she uses this name for every girl she sees. K has never called R by name. I think this has bothered R a little. M & K were becoming friends, and R now felt like the third wheel. M would say, "I like K but not R." And this just worsened the situation.

Then a few weeks ago, something happened that changed this whole thing around. R & K both go to the nursery now because our church does not have a class for 4-year olds. You either go with the big kids (ages 5-12) or with the little kids (ages 0 - 4). We didn't like this very much, and so TJ snuck R into the big kid class one day. Sure, R is 4, but she doesn't run around, she can sit still, and she can do crafts.

Well, K did not want to go into the nursery without R. Several other kids came up to play with her or give her hugs, and she would have nothing to do with them. It was kind of like she was saying, "You're not my sister. I am not playing with you."

That afternoon, we told R how K had asked for her and did not want to play with anyone else. R's face broke into the biggest smile I have ever seen, "K likes me." In fact, she said that several times that day.

The next morning, K was grumpy, having been woken suddenly. While I changed K's diaper, R was petting K's head, but K, being grumpy, pushed R away. Confused and hurt, R asked me, "Does she like me?"

I answered with my usual question, "What do you think?"

"I don't know," she said. Her little brow furrowed in concern.

"Yes, she likes you," I said. "She is just grumpy because it is morning and she is awake."

R has not worried about whether or not K likes her since that morning. She happily takes K's hand, and the two of them tromp off together to play. They now have sleepovers sometimes, and R shares more willingly and freely. When R is around, K does not seem to need as much personal attention from me, and I know K has really wanted a friend.

I am just so happy to see my two youngest finally find eachother.

Acts of Kindness

Recently, there have been two incidents in our home that really blessed my heart. Watching your child choose to be kind to others is one of the sweetest moments in a mother's life.

The first incident is when M decided to make raisin bread for everyone. I have been pushing M to have some autonomy in the kitchen, encouraging her to get some of her own meals. We moved the cereal to a lower cupboard for the girls to reach on their own, and I taught M how to make toast in the toaster and how to butter her own bread. Then one evening, I made the girls "breakfast for dinner," so M was helping with the toast. I intended for her to make her own, but she decided to make a piece of toast for each member of the family. She even got out the plates and served it to each person. I was so blessed by her act of kindness that I just about cried.

Then a week ago, I had everyone clammering at once. While changing K's diaper, I heard R calling for me to come wipe her (she refuses to do it herself), and then M started saying, "Mommy, will you read this book to me?" Um, no, I am kinda busy right now. Just then my husband TJ walked in, "M, Mommy's busy right now. You can be her helper and get that a bag for that dirty diaper." So M jumped up and started helping. But that's not the part that was so cool. The very next day, I had the exact same situation. Once again, R called for me to come wipe her while I was in the middle of chaning K's diaper and putting her down for a nap. This time, without being told, M jumped up and went running for a bag. She cleaned up the dirty diaper before I had a chance to realize what she was doing. "Wow, how on earth did I get such a helper?" I thought.

M answered my quiet question by repeating the words of praise I give whenever they help out. She said, "I helped you out, Mommy. I put the dirty diaper in the trash. I am very considerate."

I have a few parenting rules for myself about kindness and consideration:
(1) Kindness cannot be forced. I don't require them to do it.
(2) I will teach kindness by demonstrating kindness towards my children.
(3) I will praise and encourage any efforts of kindness that I see.

When kindness is forced, it's not really kindness. It does not come from a thougtful and considerate nature. Rather, it is an attempt to stay out of trouble, which is a purely selfish response.

Children who are mistreated are more likely to mistreat others. Would not the opposite be true? Children who are treated with kindness are more likely to be kind to others. For example, sometimes the kids forget to say "please," and I have noticed that when I get all indignant and refuse to fulfill the request until they say "please," they get the message that I am not going to fulfill the request. They then believe that they are not important. They think that they don't matter. If I say, "I'd love to get you some more milk, but it would make me feel better if you say 'please,'" they get a big smile on their faces and say the most pleasant "please." The message they get is two fold: (1) mommy does care about me and my needs and (2) mommy loves it when I say "please."

There is a specific formula for giving praise that motivates a child to keep doing what you praised them for. I learned about this in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & How to Listen So Kids Will Talk, a book about communicating with children. This praise formula includes the following 3 phrases:

(1) a statement of what you see (i.e. "You cleaned off your plate from the table.")
(2) a statement of how you feel (i.e. "I really appreciate the help.")
(3) a statement of summary that gives a name to the behavior (i.e. "That is very considerate.")

So here are a few examples of praise:

The child struggles to draw their letters and does a reasonably good or bad job at it: "You drew two sticks with a line inbetween, and you almost got the lines to touch. I can tell that is most definitely an A. That is careful attention to detail."

The child draws a picture of a house with some flowers: "I see a house with bright red door, and some beautiful flowers growing outside. The bright colors make me feel happy. This is very creative."

The child helps in the kitchen: "You stirred the batter without spilling, and you helped put all the dirty dishes in the sink. I really appreciate the help. That's what I call being a big helper."

The child picks out their own clothes and dresses themselves: "You got your own clothes out of the dresser and put them on by yourself. And you even put your pajamas away by yourself. That is very responsible. I like the colors you picked out."

There are two things that make this kind of praise so much more powerful than the words "good job" or "you're so smart." One reason is that the person receiving the praise really takes the praise to heart. The second reason is that the person feels motivated to keep going. I watch my kids' faces when I praise them like this. There is something I see that speaks volumes on what this does to their hearts. They have been touched by such words, and they then feel confident to continue the praised behavior.

Also, many of the situations listed above are ones where the child attempted something but may not have done so perfectly. You can praise the effort without pointing out the faults. In fact, the faults can be praised right along with the successes, giving the child the idea that a good try is as important as success.

I am a writer and am currently working on a fiction story. I will bring home a section for my husband to read, and he'll say, "Wow, that's good." And the praise leaves me wondering what is so good about it. Are my characters real? Is the plot interesting? Is it well written? Truth is I need to be the one who says, "Yeah, it is good." What I need from others is a description of what they see and how they feel about my book.

Words to Build and Empower

The other day, M finished a project, and when she finished and I had praised her for a job well done, she asked, "R could not do it?" Well, R had done it and had actually done it very well, but that was not the point.

Instead of coming to R's defense, I merely said, "That is not the point. This is not a competition. What matters is that you can do it, and you did it very well. What R can or cannot do has nothing to do with you."

How often do we compare ourselves to others? We think we must be wonderful if we can do something better than someone else, or we think we have no value if someone can do something better.

We teach our child to envy when we compare them to others and make them compete against each other.

no labels, no comparisons

There is this book that M loves to read. It is called Pip & Squeak, a story about two mice. Well, Pip and Squeak are brothers who live in the same house but cannot tolerate each other. Pip is an artist, and Squeak is a singer/songwriter. The two brothers are always saying things like, "My side will be cleaner than your side," and "My cart is faster than your cart!" Ugh. Finally, in the end, the two brothers realize that they can overcome their differences and work together.

Now let me tell you: I hate this book. I cannot stand reading it, even though she loves it. It is not because I have to read it over and over and over again, which as many parents know, that can be frustrating. No, it is the whole idea of labels and comparisons that makes me dislike the book so much.

After reading it one day, M said to me, "I cannot like R because she does not love to dance." I thought this was a crazy statement because R loved to dance since she could walk, but what bothered me most was the thinking that went behind this statement. These are the things she was saying with this statement:

(1) I can only be one thing (i.e. dancer, singer, artist, scientist, athlete, etc.).
(2) I cannot explore any of the areas outside by one label.
(3) I cannot be friends with anyone who does not share the same label as me.

When the children were little, I used to watch them to see their interests, and based on that, I'd give them a label. M was the artist (right-brained), and R was the analytical one (left-brained). I thought it was a compliment: what a great thing to be an artist, that's who you are, and what a great thing to be analytical . . .

However, people do not fit into categories like that. I am a software test analyst, that is what I get paid for, but that is not who I am. I am a mother, a wife, an author, an artist, a dancer, an appreciater of good music, a cook, a home educator, an eternal student, a Christian, a teacher, a thinker, a philosopher.

No labels. God does not look at us and see only a fraction of who we are. He sees every part of us, and he values our multifaceted personalities. We were made in the image of God. Just as he is a creator, builder, artist, musician, lover, friend, and father, so we are so much more than a label that we have accepted for ourselves.

So no labels. And no comparisons.

I might not be coordinated or naturally good at athletics, but that does not mean that I do not find any benefit in exercise. It is good for my health. It is good for my well-being. I have no intention of competing in the Olympics, but that does not mean that I should not pursue a sport.

I am not Mozart, but that does not mean that I do not bring value to the musical world. Someone may be able to play a piece of music technically perfect, but they cannot give it the same emotion that I can give. There is more to music and art than perfection, and no one else can capture my depth of feeling like I can. Someone might be better at scrapbooking, but I can scrapbook my pictures with more love than they can.

You cannot compare Van Gogh with Renoir. There is no value of one over the other. Sometimes Van Gogh had odd proportions and angles, but the vivid colors portray a world that no one else can imitate. Renoir used more sedated colors, but the romantic feel of the characters in his paintings cannot be matched by anyone. If every artist produced the same style or the same work of art, then there would be no reason to go to an art museum.

It seems kind of obvious why we should not compare children in a negative manner to another: "Your sister's room is always neat, but yours is always a mess. . . " Those kind of statements are painful. But statements like "You are always so much neater than your sister" can be just as destructive. The message is "I am valued only because of what I can do. I better make sure that I keep that status and hope that I am always better than my sister. What would happen if my room gets a mess? Or if my sister's room is cleaner than mine? Would they still love me?"

The fact is no one else defines us but ourselves. What other people do or do not do has nothing to do with our value. Just because someone else has curly hair does not mean that my straight hair is terrible. Just because someone else has darker skin, does not mean that my light skin is awful. If every woman looked the same, acted the same, talked the same, men would eventually be bored with women.

We were not meant to be carbon copies of each other. You cannot compare apples and oranges. You just cannot define yourself by who someone else is or by what someone else can do, whether you think they are better than you or worse than you. All you can be is the best you that you can be. You don't win the race by being first. You win by getting up in the morning, getting to the starting line, and running the race until you get to the end.

It is time to give our children the opportunity of living with no labels and no comparisons.

discipline vs. punishment

I think of punishment as "I am going to make you pay." On the other hand, I see discipline as a means of teaching a lesson. The question is: what lessons are you teaching? Have you thought through what it is you want your kids to take to adulthood?

Mindless obedience is actually not a characteristic that I want my kids to have. Why? Because that is the road to giving into peer pressure. If you want your kids to say no to drugs, no to sexual predators, no to the teenage boy who wants to climb into the backseat, no to shoplifting, then you have to teach them something more than mindless obedience.

One of the marks of homeschooled children is their innovative minds. Homeschooled children, especially those that are unschooled, have not been forced to fit into society's mold. For schools to function, children must be forced to conform, but homeschooled children excel simply because they are allowed to ask questions in the classroom and explore new ideas. That is one of our purposes as parents: to teach our kids to soar.

And yet, we do not want to raise kids who have no ability to understand someone else's needs. Children need boundaries and consequences

Discipline Tool #1: The Statement of Disatisfaction

There are four things a kid needs to know when they have done something wrong:

(1) specifically what they did
(2) how it made you feel
(3) why it was wrong
(4) what they should have done instead

For example, "I do not like it when you leave your toys in the living room. It frustrates me to have to pick up after you, and someone could trip over this and get hurt. I would prefer that your toys stay in your room."

This gives the child a clear picture of what and why. One thing that can frustrate a child is not knowing what they did wrong and how they can fix what they did. One day, R was twirling in a circle with her doll flung out, and several times she hit or almost hit M with the doll. R had no idea that she had hit her sister, and when she got in trouble for it, she was crushed.

"I do not think she knows what she did wrong," I told TJ, and so he took the doll and illustrated how it could hit someone. Suddenly she was so happy because now she knew why she was in trouble. Next time she paid more attention to where she was standing when she danced with her doll.

It also gives them a way to make amends. When a child is punished rather than disciplined, the message is that there is nothing the child can do to turn things around. The ability to make amends helps a child grow and mature, but it also helps them step out of the position of being the "bad" kid. Making amends is a means of healing, and it gives the child a sense that they are not always bad, that they can do good things too.

This also teaches them to see things from another's perspective. We want our children to think for themselves, but we also want them to realize how their actions can hurt someone else. Knowing that they violated your boundaries or hurt you in some way builds an awareness for the needs of others.

Discipline Tool #2: Choices

I have a hard time doing this one because this requires a lot of creativity and quick thinking. You use this as a means to declare the consequences for their actions as a warning before you take action.

So you give them two choices, like "Either clean your room or I will confiscate your toys. Your choice." Or when you are on a walk around the neighborhood, say "Either hold my hand when we cross the street or we can go home. Your choice." I like adding the "your choice" at the end because it reminds them that they determine their own path but they do not get to set the consequences for your behavior.

Discipline Tool #3: Consequences

Life consists of natural consequences. If you jump off a cliff, you will fall down and will probably get hurt. If you do not work when you are at your job, you will get fired and won't get paid. If you don't study for your test, you will get a bad grade. If you don't clean up the kitchen, you won't have room to cook dinner. If you eat too much candy, you will get a stomach ache. If you spend too much money using a credit card, you will have too many bills.

How many times do we protect our children from the natural consequences of their actions? They spend their money on candy and then don't have enough for to buy that toy they have been wanting. So we buy them the toy. We bail them out when they get in trouble at school, or we bring them their stuff that they forgot. Or we clean up after them when they should clean up after themselves.

Letting them face the consequences of their actions prepares them for the future. Imagine what it would be like to have someone always picking up after you, fixing your failures, intervening when you are in trouble, handling all your problems, and then suddenly you are on your own and you have to do it all yourself. As adults, our children will not have anyone to talk their boss out of firing them or their college professor out of failing them. If they don't clean up after themselves, there will no one to do it for them. If they waste their time, money, or resources, there will be no one to bail them out.

This is about taking action. Rather than being wishy washy parents, we move with a purpose. We set the boundaries. We hold the boundaries. We are not weaklings. You cannot walk all over us.

There are two ways where applying consequences can be hard: (1) for the soft-hearted and the guilt-ridden, it is easy to cave and (2) sometimes it is hard to know what the natural consequences should be. Thinking of discipline in terms of consequences may be a hard at first, knowing in any given situation what to apply. So let me give a few suggestions on ones that I had a hard time coming up with natural consequences for.

Acting out with backtalk, whining, or temper tantrums: If it was another adult acting out in this way, how would I respond? Generally I think I would avoid that person, thinking of them as annoying or unhelpful to my wellbeing. Therefore, the natural response would be to ignore the child who is acting out. However, sometimes I really don't want to hear it. The whining or the temper tantrum gets on my nerves, so I send them to their room.

Acting out is usually an attempt to get attention in a negative manner, and even a negative response fuels the behavior. Ignoring it rather than fixing it or punishing it works wonders, and they learn that they don't get what they want when they whine, backtalk or throw a tantrum.

Not cleaning up or taking care of personal items: There are two natural consequences, depending on the situation:

First, if you cannot take care of your stuff, then you should not have it, and it will be taken from you. Children need lots of chances to try again because that is how people learn, so if you take something away, I recommend a temporary basis. However, just how "temporary" is up to you. If your children have a pet that they are not taking care of and all of your efforts have not changed anything, then it may be time to get rid of the pet. However, maybe six months or a year down the road, you will get another pet.

Second, if you have not finished the previous activity by cleaning up, you do not get to participate in the next activity. It is a simple as that. One thing at a time. Finish what you started first.

Bad Manners: If someone does not say please and thank you, you are not going to want to do nice things for them. No one wants to serve without being appreciated.

Discipline Method #4: Problem Solving

Problem Solving could be its own blog entry all on its own, so I'll just describ what it is. I'll leave how to use it for another day.

This discipline method is often used for reoccurring problems. When you have done everything right and it is still a problem, then what? You sit down and have a brain storming session to figure out how to solve the problem.

We had an issue with M & R getting on the potty in time. We would say, "You are dancing around. I think you should get on the potty." They would say no, that they don't need to go. Then five minutes later, they'd have an accident.

We set consequences that they knew in advance. We would also make them help clean up the mess. And we would express how much it upset and frustrate us. And it was still an issue.

Finally I sat down with a pad of paper and a pen. Why do we have problems going potty? Well, M did not want to go because she did not want to wash her hands afterward and she did not want to stop what she was doing. And R wanted someone to take her and wanted help getting on the potty and washing her hands (she is still a little short to reach the sink).

So we brainstormed and came up with some ideas,

• a basket of books in the bathroom so that bathroom trips are not so boring
• an interesting picture on the wall to look at
• a container of wipes for washing hands
• a step stool for R to reach the sink
• someone (even M if mommy and daddy are busy) can take R to the bathroom

Does it work perfectly? Not always, but we are making progress.

However, the girls learn some important things with this. They learn that mommy and daddy are willing to sit down and listen to them and hear their perspective on discipline issues. That will be an important thing once they become teenagers. Rather than feeling like no one understands or that no one cares, they get the chance to come side by side with their parents and find ways to discipline themselves.

They learn how to work out their problems with others, how to handle confrontations, and how to brainstorm, all great skills that they will use for the rest of their lives.

Autonomy & Discipline

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish are my favorite authors on parenting. They wrote several books that I love. One thing they said is that if you are frustrated, than you are doing too much and it is time to delegate. Boy, have I been frustrated!

I set up a morning and evening routine to teach the girls to pick up after themselves, which was rewarded with a quarter each time they complete one routine. This could add up to 14 quarters in one week, and I thought that if I pushed them to make these routines habits and they realized the reward they would eventually do it on their own.

Well, I spent more time walking them through their routine than I did taking care of my own responsibilities. After an hour and a half of putting them to bed (that includes helping them get on the potty, clean their rooms, get their pajamas on, put their dirty clothes in the hamper, brushing their teeth, and reading umpteen books), I had no energy to do my own chores.

So I finally realized that I should give them the autonomy to do their own routine. I sent them off to their rooms to clean while I did my own thing, and when I went to check on them, nothing was done. They were playing, and I honestly felt there was no reason that the chore could not be done within fifteen minutes.

So I started giving a timer with the consequences that I would confiscate anything that was not picked up within fifteen minutes. I warned them up front what the consequences would be. Wll, M & R both started cleaning up just their favorite toys and then telling me that I can take whatever is left.

"Okay, Mommy," they would say, "you can confiscate my toys now."

So I would confiscate whatever was left out. Although I warned them and they seemed fine with that, they got quite upset when we took some of their favorite toys that they had overlooked. For a few days, the rooms remained clean until they got their toys back from timeout.

M has a tendency to play with every toy she owns throughout the day, and when cleanup time comes, the task is excruciating. There have been days when she had hundreds of stickers, and I do mean hundreds. She got a sticker book for Christmas that contained 700 stickers, and she used every one in about two days time.

If I felt overwhelmed, I cannot imagine how she feels. No wonder she plays instead.

"This is overwhelming," I said. "Maybe you have too many toys. If it is not special to you, it is just clutter. That means you should let it go and only keep those toys that are really, really special."

So when it came time to confiscate again, she began to tell me which toys are no longer special to her and which she would like to give away. With less toys in her room, the mess became more reasonable. That is, until last night.

M & R played in M's room during nap time rather than being in separate rooms like they normally are. It was something we allow every now and then as a special treat. The end result was that they unzipped M's bears and pulled out all the stuffing, which they strew all over the room (they told me they needed it because it was the ice for the game). On top of that, they took out all of the paper doll dresses (there seemed like 100's of them). So there was paper and stuffing plus all of the other normal stuff all over the floor in her room.

Nighttime came and they wanted another sleepover, and I said, "Okay, if you can get everything cleaned up, I would be willing to let you have a sleepover. I will set the timer for fifteen minutes."

Fifteen minutes later, they had not picked up anything. Well, they would not have their sleepover, but I thought I would let them break this job into smaller tasks and give them a second chance. I said, "Pick up all of the paper dolls, and I will be right back."

When I got back, they still had done nothing. I picked up little R and put her in her bed in her own room, and I shut M in her room. Both girls cried and fussed, and I walked away. If I had stayed, they would have thought that they could make me change my mind, and the temper tantrums would have continued.

I came back later, once all the crying and screaming was over. By then R was already asleep, and M, although still awake, was no longer crying.

"I did not want you to give me advice," she said, referring to my suggestion to start with the paper dolls. "I wanted you to help me."

"It is not my job to pick up your toys," I said. "I already do many things. I do the dishes, cook dinner, etc. For example, I made you special pancakes for dinner tonight. But the cleaning up the toys is your job. I expect you to do it."

"But it is too much for me," she complained.

"If it is too much, then you need to consider how not to make such a big mess," I said. Then I confiscated all of the paper dolls, the stuffing, and whatever else was left.

This path to autonomy has been a major struggle. I could have cleaned their rooms myself in 5 minutes, but how does that prepare them for being an adult? It is not my job as a parent to make these 3 little girls into my clones, to turn them into perfect little replicas of myself that do not think or function on their own. It is my job to give them the tools to think and do for themselves, to prepare them to function in society.

We have had problems in the past with the girls wasting supplies, not cleaning up, and leaving everything for us to do. Art supplies were left out. Markers were put away without their lids. All the foam and felt were cut up into tiny unusable pieces. And the playdough was all dried out.

So the last three months or so, this has been my focus in my homeschooling program: autonomy and self-discipline. And I have been using natural consequences to reinforce these lessons.

• If you cannot clean up the art supplies, you do not get to use the art supplies
• If you cannot clean up your plate off the table, you do not get to participate in whatever activity comes after the meal.
• If you cannot perform your morning routine, then you do not get to participate in the morning activities.
• If you cannot perform your evening routine, then you will not get your allowance, and you will not get a bedtime book or sleepover.
• If you cannot clean up your toys, then your toys will be confiscated.

The key to this is consistency. If you are not consistent with implementing the consequences, then they will not believe that there are consequences for their actions and that you will forget or will be too soft to stick with what you have said.

Power of Empathy

As human beings, we have no right to own another’s emotions. Offering advice is bragging that you know the perfect way for them to solve their problem, and offering sympathy is selfishly putting the focus on yourself (i.e. “Yeah, I know how you feel. Let me tell how that same thing happened to me...”)

On the other hand, empathy is acknowledging someone else’s emotion, giving the emotion a name and a valid place in that person’s situation. Empathy says that your emotions are your own and I will not change them. This is grace and respect that all people need, including little people.

One day R was throwing a fit because she had stated that she wanted Daddy but it was Mommy who came to get her. I could have argued with her, reasoned with her, or spanked her, and from past experience, I know what that would have gotten me. So instead, I said, “It is really frustrating when you are not heard.” The temper tantrum stopped immediately. She slowly nodded her head. I continued, “How about I get you out of your seat and give you to Daddy?” She nodded again.

Now, empathy does not mean that all actions are acceptable, but it acknowledges that I do not have the right to control you through emotion or twist your emotions by my own desires. Someone once told me that the best way to deal with a temper tantrum is to ignore it, and empathy goes hand in hand with that idea. Empathy gives a person room to work out their feelings in their own time.

When M met her first bully, she acted out a lot, and in some ways, she exhibited the same behavior that had been dealt to her. For about a month, I tried to "fix" the problem. I tried to reason with her. I tried to coerce her. I tried to punish her. And finally I said, "It really hurt to be treated like that." And I walked away. Within a week, she had forgiven, she had made friends with the bully, and she was praying that God would let the "bad girl" know that she loved her. She worked all this out, and she did it without any help from me.

Sometimes we as parents just want our kids to be cooperative, which means we do not want to deal with their negative feelings. Sometimes as parents, we feel guilty when our children are unhappy. Sometimes we think we need to create a bubble to protect them from any negative feeling. Sometimes we just want things to go our way. So we either try to force them or coerce them to feeling what we want them to feel.

But when we do this, we prevent them from learning some very valuable lessons. Emotions are the very make up of our being. Made in the image of God, we are emotional beings. Throughout the Bible, God got angry, jealous, hurt, upset, sad, etc. And so do we. We can either bottle up those emotions and push them away (harden our hearts) or we can learn to deal with them. And in the same way, we can force our children to have the emotions we want them to have or we can teach them how to deal with their emotions.

It is an important thing for a child to know "this makes me uncomfortable and I need to get out of here and run for safety." The book Liberated Parents, Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family gives a story of a teenage boy who suggested to a young girl that they play a toe licking game behind a tree. The girl, feeling uncomfortable, ran home. Her mom, the author of the book, was thankful that she had taken the time to respect her daughter's feelings.

However, just because any emotion is permissable, not actions are. Children should be taught that certain behaviors (throwing things, hitting, disobeying, etc.) are not acceptable ways of expressing how they feel, and they should also be taught that just because they want to have something or do something they will not always get it.

There was a young girl at our family Thanksgiving gathering who did not want to go home at the end of the day. Her mom had her hands full with the baby brother, and the dad was begging the girl to come over and get her coat on. The grandma tried to help by suggesting that it would be scary to be left behind with Uncle Tom, and Uncle Tom pretended to be a scary bear. None of this worked.

Finally I got up and asked for the girl's coat. I went to the girl and said, "You really don't want to go. You are having so much fun with your new friends, and you don't want to stop playing. I think your friends are going to miss you too." While I said all this, I got her dressed and ready to go. Without any more fuss, she left with her parents after saying goodbye to her friends.

There were two things I did: (1) empathy and (2) action. I acknowledged what she was most likely feeling, something that I am sure I would feel if I was having fun, but I moved her in the direction she should be going. Just because she did not want to go did not make it acceptable to ignore her parents.

Now does this always work? No. It has to come from the right attitude. If I use empathy as another means of coersion, they are going to sense it. First, we have to truly let go of any way in which their emotions affect our emotions. There can be no guilt, no frustration, and no pride on our part that can be attached to any emotion that they may have.

For example, there have been times when I feel guilty when they are sad or upset, or I feel frustrated when they want something that they cannot have or I cannot give them. Just as their emotions are their own, our emotions must be our own too.

Then we have to watch what we say:

• "It is just a paper cut. It doesn't hurt. Don't be such a baby."
• "See, there are no monsters in here. There is nothing to be scared of."
• "Don't be bothered by what your brother says. He is just pushing your buttons."
• "Don't whine. I can't help it we don't have any waffles right now."

Then we have to learn to replace those statements with simple statements that observe the child's emotion:

• "Paper cuts can really hurt."
• "You are really concerned that there might be monsters in your closet."
• "It really hurts you when he says those things about you."
• "You really love to eat waffles for breakfast! I wish I had some for you today."

The child walks away from this feeling (1) I have been heard and (2) my feelings are okay, but you will be shocked on how much easier these situations are to handle. From personal experience, I am familiar with what would happen if I said "that doesn't hurt" when the child had a boo-boo. They would have thrown a fit to illustrate just how much it hurt. And if I say, "You can't have waffles because we don't have any," my toddler would scream for them. No amount of reasoning would make her understand. And dismissing the pain caused by insults would only get me some sulking or yelling.

Today, when I am able to do empathy the way that I should (and admittedly I am not 100%), things move more smoothly in our home. I just got to remember: it is not about control.

My husband overheard this conversation between M & R:

R: It hurt when you stepped on my hand. I want you to say you're sorry.

M: I am sorry.

R: I forgive you.

Parenting Tip: Date Night

In a household with three young children, ages 1 to 5, it is so easy to overlook the needs of one child. Or actually, it is easy to overlook the needs of all the children. Diapers, potty accidents, refilling milk cups, library and doctor visits, grocery shopping, preparing three meals a day, breaking up fights, and finally getting them all down for naps or bedtime can consume hours of activity without actually giving that personal moment of attention that a child needs to feel special, unique, loved, and wanted. And oh yeah, did I mention your own bathroom breaks, food needs, and downtime? You gotta take care of yourself too, or you will not be fit to parent.

We took a tip from some friends of ours who have more kids than we do. They establish a weekly date night, and the kids take turns on who gets special time with Mommy and Daddy. The nice thing about this schedule is that after each girl gets her Tuesday night date, Mommy and Daddy get there night together to put girls to bed a little early and have some time for just the two of us.

Our Date Night is on Tuesdays, and last night was R’s night. Sometimes R gets overshadowed by an older sister who has more advanced language skills, and sometimes she gets overlooked with a younger sister who gets into everything. Date night is the perfect opportunity for us to single her out for special activities, and we have noticed how much more confident and secure she seems when she gets this attention.

The night started with M & R working on their wooden model kits with Daddy, and when they were done, M went to bed and R started drawing. She is not able to write yet, but she created stories to go with all of her pictures. This was an opportunity for us to encourage our timid, tender-hearted girl to talk more freely, so I listened attentively to her stories about being captured in a net and Mommy coming to save her. She described all the items on the pictures and explained to me what each thing was.

We stapled her pages together to make a book, which she then added “words” and then read the words to me.

Then we had a reading lesson from the book Teach Your Child How to Read in 100 Easy Lessons. We are on lesson 12, and she is learning to string sounds together to make words. When her sisters are awake, it is hard to get her undivided attention because she wants to play, but she got really excited when she learned that lesson 13 starts to have pictures with stories that she gets to read.

She drank hot chocolate with marshmallows and reread her picture book to me, and when she finally went to bed with some story books, there was a big smile on her face, and her little eyes were shining with joy, knowing that she is truly special to us.

More Lessons on Sharing

There is another reason, a deeper reason why sharing should not be forced. Children are miniature adults. They are people with their own feelings, their own personalities, and their own preferences. So the question begs to be asked: How would you feel if the governing bodies of our nation forced you to share?

You just got a new car. It's a brand new Hummer, and all of your neighbors want to take a spin in your car. If this were a socialistic society, you would be told that you do not have a right to something so wonderful and that you must share with your neighbors. And oh yeah, now that you have a new car, you do not need that old one anymore. You will have to give that one away for free to the neighbor who does not have one.

Well, this is not a socialistic society, and if our government tried to play that game with us, we would be up in arms. We would be protesting on the streets, yelling, "What about my rights?"

Does a child feel any differently about their personal possessions? And who are we as adults to rob them of the rights of their own personal space and property? Just because they are smaller does not give us the right to decide when they will share.

R got a new set of toy pans for Christmas. They were shiny and just the right size for her. She loved these pans as she has played with them every day since. Within an hour after opening them, her baby cousin discovered that they make a lot of great noise when you bang them together and that they feel very good on sore gums.

R was not happy about her cousin playing with them even though she was playing with other toys at that time. She was worried that she would lose them forever or that they would get broken. Panicking, she tried to get them back, but the adults who were cooing over the baby told her, "Oh, just let her play with them." They did not even bother to look at R when they dismissed her concerns and feelings.

Because they did not even look at her, they did not notice how R was devastated. She felt completely helpless to the all powerful adults who treated her like she did not matter. The message she received that day is that her baby cousin is more important and more loved and valued.

Between siblings, this could become a source of resentment. In fact, it had been a source of contention in our house. R had a major problem with her little sister K for the longest time. She would scream every time K even came in the room, for fear that K would run off with her toys or knock over her building blocks. I would always say, "K is a baby; she does not understand."

Now, I say, "K, that is your sister's doll. Let's go find your doll." The changes have been slow as R needed to learn that she really was secure, that Mommy and Daddy really would defend her. It used to be that M & R could play well together, M & K could play well together, but R & K would fight. However, it's a real joy to see R & K play together now.

The other day, R was upset to find K in her room. Upset to be kicked out of R's room, K came running to me, and I said, "That is R's room." Very shortly, R came up to K with one of R's favorite toys and said, "Here, you can play with this." This act of sharing was completely on R's own volition. That is what makes the act so special, that she willingly chose to share.

A Lesson in Problem Solving

Ever had to mediate between two children who are arguing over the same toy, and you find that there is no way to solve the problem without more fussing?

This happened to us recently over two angel shirts. One was blue with rhinestones and had no size label, and the other was white with flowers and was a size 5. The rule is that size 5's go to M and size 4's go to R, so I put the size 5 in M's closet and the other in R's closet.

But M wanted the blue angel shirt with the rhinestones, and I was called upon to intervene. However, my attempts to solve the problem did not work. I stated the rule that applied, "It is R's shirt and she does not have to share."

Why don't we make them share? Two reasons:

(1) There is a more important lesson I want them to learn, and that is respect. By supporting the child who does not want to share, she learns what it feels like to be respected, that her personal space and personal belongings will not be violated, and she grows in confidence and feels safe in her environment. At the same time, the other girl learns an important lesson in giving respect to someone else.

(2) Being forced to share robs you of the opportunity to do so of your own free will. Sharing is not really a generous offer unless you do it because you want to, and forcing them does not help them learn to share. It only steals away the joy of giving. I find that the girls are more willing to share freely when they feel secure.

So I applied the rules to the situation, but M was still throwing a royal fit. I really wanted to just give her the shirt to make her stop whining and crying. Finally, I used a tool that I learned from Siblings Without Rivalry, which I had never bothered to use because I really did not think it would work.

This is what I said, "M wants the blue angel shirt, and R also wants the same angel shirt. The shirt belongs to R, and she does not want to share. But you two could talk it out and make an agreement. Maybe R could wear it on Mondays and Wednesdays, and M could wear it on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I am leaving the room, so let me know what you decide."

I was frustrated enough that I thought it would be better to not even be in the room. I went to the kitchen where I could hear a lot of screaming from them, and I thought, "This isn't going to work." I was tempted to go back in there and just confiscate the shirt, but instead I started making lunch. A few minutes later, M came out and said, "We decided that R will wear the white angel shirt and I will wear the blue one."

I think my jaw dropped to the floor; I had not even thought of that solution. I don't know who learned more: me or them! I learned that I don't have to be the mediator every time, and they learned how to problem solve for themselves.

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