Discipline Model: Giving Choices and Clear Consequences

There are only three ways to deal with a child's misbehavior. The passive approach allows the behavior to continue without even a verbal correction. I confess that in the past, this was my downfall. I had no clue how to balance mercy with discipline, and I felt guilty to make my children cry.

The aggressive approach seeks to make the child pay through deprivation, spankings, a battle of wills, or a timeout. In the end, punishment is about who wins the Biggest Temper Tantrum Contest. If the parent wins, the battle is delayed for another day; if the child wins, then the whole household is in trouble.

But discipline isn't a battle of wills or a way of making the child pay just because the parent isn't happy. No, discipline is a valuable lesson that parent has carefully planned for the child to learn. Discipline is only successful when the child learns a lesson that they can carry with them into adulthood. This is the assertive approach.

There are many tools in the assertive discipline approach. One method of discipline is to give a limited set of options. This allows the child some control over their lives and yet clearly sets the boundaries as well as the consequences.

"Either pick up your toys or I will confiscate them. Your choice." This example offers the child two options and outlines clear consequences. Sure, one option is not very nice to them, but they can very easily choose to pick up their toys. If they choose to test your resolve, follow through without lectures or anger or temper tantrums. Without a word.

When their toys are gone, they will think twice of testing you again. When they beg, whine, or scream, you can say, "I am sure that next time you will pick up your toys." Then walk away or you will be tempted to lecture, and honestly leaving them alone with their own thoughts is more than enough.

Here are some other examples:

• Either sit still or we will sit in the car while everyone else finishes their food. (It might be frustrating to sit in the car yourself, but worth the lesson the child learns. Your next visit to a restaurant will most likely be more pleasant.)
• Either eat what I've fixed for you or get yourself a sandwich. I am not making anything else. (A sandwich for dinner doesn't really hurt them, and forcing a picky eater to eat what they don't like usually just makes them pickier. Put some control in their hands, and they will enjoy eating much more.)
• Either put your shoes on or I will march you to the car without your shoes. You can put them on in the car.
• Use your words or go scream in your room. You can come out when you can talk to me in a reasonable tone of voice. (This is not a timeout. This is an emotional break. We all need them some times.)
• Stop hitting your sister or go play by yourself.

I always like to add the words "your choice" to the end of this because it is a reminder to the child that it really is in their hands. When you follow through with firm actions, they will know that it was their choice that brought this.

Applying this type of discipline has brought a lot of changes in our household. There were some frustrating moments as my children tested my resolve, but each time, they became a little more humble, a little kinder, and a little easier to deal with. Most importantly, they learned a few lessons on appropriate behavior.