Autonomy & Discipline

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish are my favorite authors on parenting. They wrote several books that I love. One thing they said is that if you are frustrated, than you are doing too much and it is time to delegate. Boy, have I been frustrated!

I set up a morning and evening routine to teach the girls to pick up after themselves, which was rewarded with a quarter each time they complete one routine. This could add up to 14 quarters in one week, and I thought that if I pushed them to make these routines habits and they realized the reward they would eventually do it on their own.

Well, I spent more time walking them through their routine than I did taking care of my own responsibilities. After an hour and a half of putting them to bed (that includes helping them get on the potty, clean their rooms, get their pajamas on, put their dirty clothes in the hamper, brushing their teeth, and reading umpteen books), I had no energy to do my own chores.

So I finally realized that I should give them the autonomy to do their own routine. I sent them off to their rooms to clean while I did my own thing, and when I went to check on them, nothing was done. They were playing, and I honestly felt there was no reason that the chore could not be done within fifteen minutes.

So I started giving a timer with the consequences that I would confiscate anything that was not picked up within fifteen minutes. I warned them up front what the consequences would be. Wll, M & R both started cleaning up just their favorite toys and then telling me that I can take whatever is left.

"Okay, Mommy," they would say, "you can confiscate my toys now."

So I would confiscate whatever was left out. Although I warned them and they seemed fine with that, they got quite upset when we took some of their favorite toys that they had overlooked. For a few days, the rooms remained clean until they got their toys back from timeout.

M has a tendency to play with every toy she owns throughout the day, and when cleanup time comes, the task is excruciating. There have been days when she had hundreds of stickers, and I do mean hundreds. She got a sticker book for Christmas that contained 700 stickers, and she used every one in about two days time.

If I felt overwhelmed, I cannot imagine how she feels. No wonder she plays instead.

"This is overwhelming," I said. "Maybe you have too many toys. If it is not special to you, it is just clutter. That means you should let it go and only keep those toys that are really, really special."

So when it came time to confiscate again, she began to tell me which toys are no longer special to her and which she would like to give away. With less toys in her room, the mess became more reasonable. That is, until last night.

M & R played in M's room during nap time rather than being in separate rooms like they normally are. It was something we allow every now and then as a special treat. The end result was that they unzipped M's bears and pulled out all the stuffing, which they strew all over the room (they told me they needed it because it was the ice for the game). On top of that, they took out all of the paper doll dresses (there seemed like 100's of them). So there was paper and stuffing plus all of the other normal stuff all over the floor in her room.

Nighttime came and they wanted another sleepover, and I said, "Okay, if you can get everything cleaned up, I would be willing to let you have a sleepover. I will set the timer for fifteen minutes."

Fifteen minutes later, they had not picked up anything. Well, they would not have their sleepover, but I thought I would let them break this job into smaller tasks and give them a second chance. I said, "Pick up all of the paper dolls, and I will be right back."

When I got back, they still had done nothing. I picked up little R and put her in her bed in her own room, and I shut M in her room. Both girls cried and fussed, and I walked away. If I had stayed, they would have thought that they could make me change my mind, and the temper tantrums would have continued.

I came back later, once all the crying and screaming was over. By then R was already asleep, and M, although still awake, was no longer crying.

"I did not want you to give me advice," she said, referring to my suggestion to start with the paper dolls. "I wanted you to help me."

"It is not my job to pick up your toys," I said. "I already do many things. I do the dishes, cook dinner, etc. For example, I made you special pancakes for dinner tonight. But the cleaning up the toys is your job. I expect you to do it."

"But it is too much for me," she complained.

"If it is too much, then you need to consider how not to make such a big mess," I said. Then I confiscated all of the paper dolls, the stuffing, and whatever else was left.

This path to autonomy has been a major struggle. I could have cleaned their rooms myself in 5 minutes, but how does that prepare them for being an adult? It is not my job as a parent to make these 3 little girls into my clones, to turn them into perfect little replicas of myself that do not think or function on their own. It is my job to give them the tools to think and do for themselves, to prepare them to function in society.

We have had problems in the past with the girls wasting supplies, not cleaning up, and leaving everything for us to do. Art supplies were left out. Markers were put away without their lids. All the foam and felt were cut up into tiny unusable pieces. And the playdough was all dried out.

So the last three months or so, this has been my focus in my homeschooling program: autonomy and self-discipline. And I have been using natural consequences to reinforce these lessons.

• If you cannot clean up the art supplies, you do not get to use the art supplies
• If you cannot clean up your plate off the table, you do not get to participate in whatever activity comes after the meal.
• If you cannot perform your morning routine, then you do not get to participate in the morning activities.
• If you cannot perform your evening routine, then you will not get your allowance, and you will not get a bedtime book or sleepover.
• If you cannot clean up your toys, then your toys will be confiscated.

The key to this is consistency. If you are not consistent with implementing the consequences, then they will not believe that there are consequences for their actions and that you will forget or will be too soft to stick with what you have said.