Mindless obedience is actually not a characteristic that I want my kids to have. Why? Because that is the road to giving into peer pressure. If you want your kids to say no to drugs, no to sexual predators, no to the teenage boy who wants to climb into the backseat, no to shoplifting, then you have to teach them something more than mindless obedience.
One of the marks of homeschooled children is their innovative minds. Homeschooled children, especially those that are unschooled, have not been forced to fit into society's mold. For schools to function, children must be forced to conform, but homeschooled children excel simply because they are allowed to ask questions in the classroom and explore new ideas. That is one of our purposes as parents: to teach our kids to soar.
And yet, we do not want to raise kids who have no ability to understand someone else's needs. Children need boundaries and consequences
Discipline Tool #1: The Statement of Disatisfaction
There are four things a kid needs to know when they have done something wrong:
(1) specifically what they did
(2) how it made you feel
(3) why it was wrong
(4) what they should have done instead
For example, "I do not like it when you leave your toys in the living room. It frustrates me to have to pick up after you, and someone could trip over this and get hurt. I would prefer that your toys stay in your room."
This gives the child a clear picture of what and why. One thing that can frustrate a child is not knowing what they did wrong and how they can fix what they did. One day, R was twirling in a circle with her doll flung out, and several times she hit or almost hit M with the doll. R had no idea that she had hit her sister, and when she got in trouble for it, she was crushed.
"I do not think she knows what she did wrong," I told TJ, and so he took the doll and illustrated how it could hit someone. Suddenly she was so happy because now she knew why she was in trouble. Next time she paid more attention to where she was standing when she danced with her doll.
It also gives them a way to make amends. When a child is punished rather than disciplined, the message is that there is nothing the child can do to turn things around. The ability to make amends helps a child grow and mature, but it also helps them step out of the position of being the "bad" kid. Making amends is a means of healing, and it gives the child a sense that they are not always bad, that they can do good things too.
This also teaches them to see things from another's perspective. We want our children to think for themselves, but we also want them to realize how their actions can hurt someone else. Knowing that they violated your boundaries or hurt you in some way builds an awareness for the needs of others.
Discipline Tool #2: Choices
I have a hard time doing this one because this requires a lot of creativity and quick thinking. You use this as a means to declare the consequences for their actions as a warning before you take action.
So you give them two choices, like "Either clean your room or I will confiscate your toys. Your choice." Or when you are on a walk around the neighborhood, say "Either hold my hand when we cross the street or we can go home. Your choice." I like adding the "your choice" at the end because it reminds them that they determine their own path but they do not get to set the consequences for your behavior.
Discipline Tool #3: Consequences
Life consists of natural consequences. If you jump off a cliff, you will fall down and will probably get hurt. If you do not work when you are at your job, you will get fired and won't get paid. If you don't study for your test, you will get a bad grade. If you don't clean up the kitchen, you won't have room to cook dinner. If you eat too much candy, you will get a stomach ache. If you spend too much money using a credit card, you will have too many bills.
How many times do we protect our children from the natural consequences of their actions? They spend their money on candy and then don't have enough for to buy that toy they have been wanting. So we buy them the toy. We bail them out when they get in trouble at school, or we bring them their stuff that they forgot. Or we clean up after them when they should clean up after themselves.
Letting them face the consequences of their actions prepares them for the future. Imagine what it would be like to have someone always picking up after you, fixing your failures, intervening when you are in trouble, handling all your problems, and then suddenly you are on your own and you have to do it all yourself. As adults, our children will not have anyone to talk their boss out of firing them or their college professor out of failing them. If they don't clean up after themselves, there will no one to do it for them. If they waste their time, money, or resources, there will be no one to bail them out.
This is about taking action. Rather than being wishy washy parents, we move with a purpose. We set the boundaries. We hold the boundaries. We are not weaklings. You cannot walk all over us.
There are two ways where applying consequences can be hard: (1) for the soft-hearted and the guilt-ridden, it is easy to cave and (2) sometimes it is hard to know what the natural consequences should be. Thinking of discipline in terms of consequences may be a hard at first, knowing in any given situation what to apply. So let me give a few suggestions on ones that I had a hard time coming up with natural consequences for.
Acting out with backtalk, whining, or temper tantrums: If it was another adult acting out in this way, how would I respond? Generally I think I would avoid that person, thinking of them as annoying or unhelpful to my wellbeing. Therefore, the natural response would be to ignore the child who is acting out. However, sometimes I really don't want to hear it. The whining or the temper tantrum gets on my nerves, so I send them to their room.
Acting out is usually an attempt to get attention in a negative manner, and even a negative response fuels the behavior. Ignoring it rather than fixing it or punishing it works wonders, and they learn that they don't get what they want when they whine, backtalk or throw a tantrum.
Not cleaning up or taking care of personal items: There are two natural consequences, depending on the situation:
First, if you cannot take care of your stuff, then you should not have it, and it will be taken from you. Children need lots of chances to try again because that is how people learn, so if you take something away, I recommend a temporary basis. However, just how "temporary" is up to you. If your children have a pet that they are not taking care of and all of your efforts have not changed anything, then it may be time to get rid of the pet. However, maybe six months or a year down the road, you will get another pet.
Second, if you have not finished the previous activity by cleaning up, you do not get to participate in the next activity. It is a simple as that. One thing at a time. Finish what you started first.
Bad Manners: If someone does not say please and thank you, you are not going to want to do nice things for them. No one wants to serve without being appreciated.
Discipline Method #4: Problem Solving
Problem Solving could be its own blog entry all on its own, so I'll just describ what it is. I'll leave how to use it for another day.
This discipline method is often used for reoccurring problems. When you have done everything right and it is still a problem, then what? You sit down and have a brain storming session to figure out how to solve the problem.
We had an issue with M & R getting on the potty in time. We would say, "You are dancing around. I think you should get on the potty." They would say no, that they don't need to go. Then five minutes later, they'd have an accident.
We set consequences that they knew in advance. We would also make them help clean up the mess. And we would express how much it upset and frustrate us. And it was still an issue.
Finally I sat down with a pad of paper and a pen. Why do we have problems going potty? Well, M did not want to go because she did not want to wash her hands afterward and she did not want to stop what she was doing. And R wanted someone to take her and wanted help getting on the potty and washing her hands (she is still a little short to reach the sink).
So we brainstormed and came up with some ideas,
- a basket of books in the bathroom so that bathroom trips are not so boring
- an interesting picture on the wall to look at
- a container of wipes for washing hands
- a step stool for R to reach the sink
- someone (even M if mommy and daddy are busy) can take R to the bathroom
Does it work perfectly? Not always, but we are making progress.
However, the girls learn some important things with this. They learn that mommy and daddy are willing to sit down and listen to them and hear their perspective on discipline issues. That will be an important thing once they become teenagers. Rather than feeling like no one understands or that no one cares, they get the chance to come side by side with their parents and find ways to discipline themselves.
They learn how to work out their problems with others, how to handle confrontations, and how to brainstorm, all great skills that they will use for the rest of their lives.
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