Power of Empathy

As human beings, we have no right to own another’s emotions. Offering advice is bragging that you know the perfect way for them to solve their problem, and offering sympathy is selfishly putting the focus on yourself (i.e. “Yeah, I know how you feel. Let me tell how that same thing happened to me...”)

On the other hand, empathy is acknowledging someone else’s emotion, giving the emotion a name and a valid place in that person’s situation. Empathy says that your emotions are your own and I will not change them. This is grace and respect that all people need, including little people.

One day R was throwing a fit because she had stated that she wanted Daddy but it was Mommy who came to get her. I could have argued with her, reasoned with her, or spanked her, and from past experience, I know what that would have gotten me. So instead, I said, “It is really frustrating when you are not heard.” The temper tantrum stopped immediately. She slowly nodded her head. I continued, “How about I get you out of your seat and give you to Daddy?” She nodded again.

Now, empathy does not mean that all actions are acceptable, but it acknowledges that I do not have the right to control you through emotion or twist your emotions by my own desires. Someone once told me that the best way to deal with a temper tantrum is to ignore it, and empathy goes hand in hand with that idea. Empathy gives a person room to work out their feelings in their own time.

When M met her first bully, she acted out a lot, and in some ways, she exhibited the same behavior that had been dealt to her. For about a month, I tried to "fix" the problem. I tried to reason with her. I tried to coerce her. I tried to punish her. And finally I said, "It really hurt to be treated like that." And I walked away. Within a week, she had forgiven, she had made friends with the bully, and she was praying that God would let the "bad girl" know that she loved her. She worked all this out, and she did it without any help from me.

Sometimes we as parents just want our kids to be cooperative, which means we do not want to deal with their negative feelings. Sometimes as parents, we feel guilty when our children are unhappy. Sometimes we think we need to create a bubble to protect them from any negative feeling. Sometimes we just want things to go our way. So we either try to force them or coerce them to feeling what we want them to feel.

But when we do this, we prevent them from learning some very valuable lessons. Emotions are the very make up of our being. Made in the image of God, we are emotional beings. Throughout the Bible, God got angry, jealous, hurt, upset, sad, etc. And so do we. We can either bottle up those emotions and push them away (harden our hearts) or we can learn to deal with them. And in the same way, we can force our children to have the emotions we want them to have or we can teach them how to deal with their emotions.

It is an important thing for a child to know "this makes me uncomfortable and I need to get out of here and run for safety." The book Liberated Parents, Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family gives a story of a teenage boy who suggested to a young girl that they play a toe licking game behind a tree. The girl, feeling uncomfortable, ran home. Her mom, the author of the book, was thankful that she had taken the time to respect her daughter's feelings.

However, just because any emotion is permissable, not actions are. Children should be taught that certain behaviors (throwing things, hitting, disobeying, etc.) are not acceptable ways of expressing how they feel, and they should also be taught that just because they want to have something or do something they will not always get it.

There was a young girl at our family Thanksgiving gathering who did not want to go home at the end of the day. Her mom had her hands full with the baby brother, and the dad was begging the girl to come over and get her coat on. The grandma tried to help by suggesting that it would be scary to be left behind with Uncle Tom, and Uncle Tom pretended to be a scary bear. None of this worked.

Finally I got up and asked for the girl's coat. I went to the girl and said, "You really don't want to go. You are having so much fun with your new friends, and you don't want to stop playing. I think your friends are going to miss you too." While I said all this, I got her dressed and ready to go. Without any more fuss, she left with her parents after saying goodbye to her friends.

There were two things I did: (1) empathy and (2) action. I acknowledged what she was most likely feeling, something that I am sure I would feel if I was having fun, but I moved her in the direction she should be going. Just because she did not want to go did not make it acceptable to ignore her parents.

Now does this always work? No. It has to come from the right attitude. If I use empathy as another means of coersion, they are going to sense it. First, we have to truly let go of any way in which their emotions affect our emotions. There can be no guilt, no frustration, and no pride on our part that can be attached to any emotion that they may have.

For example, there have been times when I feel guilty when they are sad or upset, or I feel frustrated when they want something that they cannot have or I cannot give them. Just as their emotions are their own, our emotions must be our own too.

Then we have to watch what we say:

• "It is just a paper cut. It doesn't hurt. Don't be such a baby."
• "See, there are no monsters in here. There is nothing to be scared of."
• "Don't be bothered by what your brother says. He is just pushing your buttons."
• "Don't whine. I can't help it we don't have any waffles right now."

Then we have to learn to replace those statements with simple statements that observe the child's emotion:

• "Paper cuts can really hurt."
• "You are really concerned that there might be monsters in your closet."
• "It really hurts you when he says those things about you."
• "You really love to eat waffles for breakfast! I wish I had some for you today."

The child walks away from this feeling (1) I have been heard and (2) my feelings are okay, but you will be shocked on how much easier these situations are to handle. From personal experience, I am familiar with what would happen if I said "that doesn't hurt" when the child had a boo-boo. They would have thrown a fit to illustrate just how much it hurt. And if I say, "You can't have waffles because we don't have any," my toddler would scream for them. No amount of reasoning would make her understand. And dismissing the pain caused by insults would only get me some sulking or yelling.

Today, when I am able to do empathy the way that I should (and admittedly I am not 100%), things move more smoothly in our home. I just got to remember: it is not about control.

My husband overheard this conversation between M & R:

R: It hurt when you stepped on my hand. I want you to say you're sorry.

M: I am sorry.

R: I forgive you.