Sibling Rivalry

When I brought K home from the hospital, M took to her right away . . . just as she had done when R was born. However, R, my tender-hearted girl, wanted nothing to do with her new baby sister, and she wanted nothing to do with me either whenever I held K. It broke my heart.

K is now 2 years old, and R is 4. It has taken me two years to figure out how to build a bond between those two girls. I learned a few tricks from Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too, and I corrected some of my own behaviors that fueled the division. Now R & K play very well together, and K finally has a friend.

1. Pay attention to your own words. What could you be doing to cause the problem?

I noticed is that R frequently gets in "trouble" when K is around. R's disenchantment with the new baby turned to dislike everytime we scolded her for almost hurting the baby. I remember one day the two girls were playing hide and seek in the closet. K was 1, and R was 3. R kept sliding the closet doors open to peek out and me, and I would cringe as she almost hit K with the door several times. "R, don't do that," I think I said. "You almost hit your sister."

R stopped playing and sat down on my lap, "I don't want K here. Make her go away." Oops, this reaction was my fault. She had played happily with K up until that point. Sure, I want R to learn to be considerate of others and to be aware of the needs of others, but on the other hand, maybe instead I should teach K that she should watch out for swinging doors. K cannot be a baby forever. She needs to have the skills to take care of herself too.

I replaced scolding R with praise. "You are playing with your sister. I really like that," I would say. "That is being very friendly." R's face would light up with a big smile, and slowly she began to play more and more with K.

2. Give security by defining boundaries.

I noticed that R would worry about her personal possessions. K often destroyed her sisters' MegaBlock creations, and R did not feel like she could trust K to know what belongs to whom. R did not know whether K would give back her toys, and so R did not want to share. Hey, if I had a special gardening tool, I would not lend it out to someone who I thought would break it or not return it!

So we solved this problem by giving each girl her own room. We were lucky that we had 4 bedrooms. M & R shared a room, and K (being on a different sleep schedule) had her own room. The fourth bedroom was a play room that all the girls shared. I really liked this arrangement because (1) they had no toys in their rooms to make a mess & to keep them awake at night and (2) I liked the whole idea of having a big play room to segregate the mess from the rest of the house.

Although K still went to bed earlier, keeping her separate from her sisters began to seem like a problem. Throughout the day, she was ostracized from their playtime, and we felt like it was time to unite the three. However, R panicked to have K in their room, getting into their stuff, so we decided to separate M & R so that each girl has her own sanctuary.

Sure, I lost my wonderful play room, but R now gets more sleep and is less cranky. M gets to read late into the night, and K is no longer the third wheel. Furthermore, R now keeps her toys behind a shut door, stopping many arguments before they even happen.

3. Recreate the situation with positive words.

The clincher was when R realized that K liked her. K uses a shortened version of M's name to mean "girl," and she uses this name for every girl she sees. K has never called R by name. I think this has bothered R a little. M & K were becoming friends, and R now felt like the third wheel. M would say, "I like K but not R." And this just worsened the situation.

Then a few weeks ago, something happened that changed this whole thing around. R & K both go to the nursery now because our church does not have a class for 4-year olds. You either go with the big kids (ages 5-12) or with the little kids (ages 0 - 4). We didn't like this very much, and so TJ snuck R into the big kid class one day. Sure, R is 4, but she doesn't run around, she can sit still, and she can do crafts.

Well, K did not want to go into the nursery without R. Several other kids came up to play with her or give her hugs, and she would have nothing to do with them. It was kind of like she was saying, "You're not my sister. I am not playing with you."

That afternoon, we told R how K had asked for her and did not want to play with anyone else. R's face broke into the biggest smile I have ever seen, "K likes me." In fact, she said that several times that day.

The next morning, K was grumpy, having been woken suddenly. While I changed K's diaper, R was petting K's head, but K, being grumpy, pushed R away. Confused and hurt, R asked me, "Does she like me?"

I answered with my usual question, "What do you think?"

"I don't know," she said. Her little brow furrowed in concern.

"Yes, she likes you," I said. "She is just grumpy because it is morning and she is awake."

R has not worried about whether or not K likes her since that morning. She happily takes K's hand, and the two of them tromp off together to play. They now have sleepovers sometimes, and R shares more willingly and freely. When R is around, K does not seem to need as much personal attention from me, and I know K has really wanted a friend.

I am just so happy to see my two youngest finally find eachother.