A Lesson in Problem Solving

Ever had to mediate between two children who are arguing over the same toy, and you find that there is no way to solve the problem without more fussing?

This happened to us recently over two angel shirts. One was blue with rhinestones and had no size label, and the other was white with flowers and was a size 5. The rule is that size 5's go to M and size 4's go to R, so I put the size 5 in M's closet and the other in R's closet.

But M wanted the blue angel shirt with the rhinestones, and I was called upon to intervene. However, my attempts to solve the problem did not work. I stated the rule that applied, "It is R's shirt and she does not have to share."

Why don't we make them share? Two reasons:

(1) There is a more important lesson I want them to learn, and that is respect. By supporting the child who does not want to share, she learns what it feels like to be respected, that her personal space and personal belongings will not be violated, and she grows in confidence and feels safe in her environment. At the same time, the other girl learns an important lesson in giving respect to someone else.

(2) Being forced to share robs you of the opportunity to do so of your own free will. Sharing is not really a generous offer unless you do it because you want to, and forcing them does not help them learn to share. It only steals away the joy of giving. I find that the girls are more willing to share freely when they feel secure.

So I applied the rules to the situation, but M was still throwing a royal fit. I really wanted to just give her the shirt to make her stop whining and crying. Finally, I used a tool that I learned from Siblings Without Rivalry, which I had never bothered to use because I really did not think it would work.

This is what I said, "M wants the blue angel shirt, and R also wants the same angel shirt. The shirt belongs to R, and she does not want to share. But you two could talk it out and make an agreement. Maybe R could wear it on Mondays and Wednesdays, and M could wear it on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I am leaving the room, so let me know what you decide."

I was frustrated enough that I thought it would be better to not even be in the room. I went to the kitchen where I could hear a lot of screaming from them, and I thought, "This isn't going to work." I was tempted to go back in there and just confiscate the shirt, but instead I started making lunch. A few minutes later, M came out and said, "We decided that R will wear the white angel shirt and I will wear the blue one."

I think my jaw dropped to the floor; I had not even thought of that solution. I don't know who learned more: me or them! I learned that I don't have to be the mediator every time, and they learned how to problem solve for themselves.

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